Does marital happiness last? Does marriage bring happiness to our lives or are people more likely to stay married because they’re naturally happy in their disposition? These questions were addressed by two huge surveys and referenced in an article in the Wall Street Journal several years ago by Susan Pinker. British demographers analyzed data collected over an eight-year period from 30,000 people to track their happiness and how their levels of happiness may have changed over time. This study was reinforced by a second study involving 300,000 people over a three year period. That’s a lot of data points!

What these surveys revealed should come as no surprise to Christians. Married people are generally happier than single adults and also happier than those who cohabitate. However, a key ingredient to prolonged happiness in life, according to the study, is being married to a spouse you regard as friend. In fact, those who named their husband or wife as their best friend were found to be twice as happy as those who did not.

Of course, the Christian worldview makes a distinction between happiness and joy in life. Joy is found in a personal relationship with Jesus and following in his steps. Such joy never depends on circumstances but rather remains constant even in the midst of hardship. Happiness, on the other hand, is contingent. It’s determined by what “happens” to you. Believers need to understand that the level of joy in their marriage is directly related to how closely their marriage aligns with Scripture.

The Bible indicates very clearly that spouses are to be friends.

The Bible indicates very clearly that spouses are to be friends. In the Song of Solomon, the bride refers to her beloved as her friend. Since we just had Valentine’s Day I would like to challenge the husbands reading this to cultivate a deep friendship with your wife if you don’t already have one. Friendship is based on mutual respect and trust and, therefore, the first step in cultivating spousal friendship is restoring that respect and trust. Friends share everything and are open and honest with one another, even when it hurts.

So let me encourage you to have a specific conversation with your spouse today. It may be a hard discussion but it could pay rich dividends. So don’t procrastinate. Ask each other what you might do to be a better friend to them. Husbands, you should initiate the conversation and begin it by praying together. Ask the Lord to open your heart to one another as preparation to receive what may be painful truth. Friends should be able to tell each other anything. Jesus told his disciples, “I have called you friends because all I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15)

The Bible says, "oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." (Proverbs 27:9) Purpose in your heart to lay aside a defensive attitude. The reason secularism is so damaging to marriage is simply because it’s a worldview which is oriented inward, toward self. It defines all of life in terms of its effect on the self. Developing spousal friendship happens on purpose and is selfless. It’s cultivated over time and through life experiences. Work on being a friend to your spouse. It’s a proven means to a long and satisfying marriage.