Does marital happiness last? Does marriage bring happiness to our lives or are people more likely to stay married because they’re naturally happy in their disposition? These questions were addressed by two huge surveys and referenced in a The Wall Street Journal article last week by Susan Pinker. British demographers analyzed data collected over an eight-year period from 30,000 people to track their happiness and how their level of happiness may have changed over time. This study was reinforced by a second study involving 300,000 people over a three-year period. That’s a lot of data points!

What these surveys revealed should come as no surprise to Christians. Married people are generally happier than single adults, and also happier than those who cohabitate. However, a key ingredient to prolonged happiness in life, according to the study, is being married to a spouse you regard as friend. In fact, those who named their husband or wife as their best friend were found to be twice as happy as those who did not.

Of course, the Christian worldview makes a distinction between happiness and joy in life. Joy is found in a personal relationship with Jesus and following in his steps. Such joy never depends on circumstances but rather remains constant even in the midst of hardship. Happiness, on the other hand, is contingent. It’s determined by what “happens” to you. Believers need to understand that the level of joy in their marriage is directly related to how closely their marriage aligns with Scripture.

The Bible indicates very clearly that spouses are to be friends.

The Bible indicates very clearly that spouses are to be friends. The Bride in Song of Solomon referred to her beloved as her friend. So on this Sunday before Valentine’s Day, I would like to challenge married couples to cultivate friendships with your spouses. Friendship is based on mutual respect and trust. Therefore, the first step in cultivating spousal friendship is restoring that respect and trust. Friends share everything and are open and honest with one another, even when it hurts.

Let me encourage you to have a specific conversation with your spouse today. That’s right, today. Don’t procrastinate. Ask each other what you might do to be a better friend to them. Men, you should start the conversation. And here’s a suggestion; pray together before the conversation that God would open your hearts and prepare you to receive truth. Friends should be able to tell each other anything. Jesus told his disciples, “I have called you friends because all I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15)

The Bible says, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” (Proverbs 27:9) So refuse to be defensive. The reason secularism is so damaging to marriage is simply because it’s a worldview which is oriented inward, toward self. It defines all of life in terms of its effect on self. Developing spousal friendship happens on purpose and is selfless. It’s cultivated over time and through life experiences. Work on being a friend to your spouse. It’s a proven means to a long and satisfying marriage.