The third trap every husband needs to avoid is the trap of marital indifference. This happens when you lose interest, become complacent, or worse, apathetic about your marriage and no longer make any effort to keep the fire going. When the flame of passion dies in a marriage it signals the heart no longer treasures the relationship.

GOAL #3 – Lifelong Passion for My Wife

Indifference is deadly to any marriage, be it newlyweds or couples who’ve been married for decades. And if it’s true that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, then you understand we’re dealing with a very serious problem. So, allow me to offer a few practical solutions about sustaining life-long passion in your marriage.

Find the Cause

Discovering why you’ve become apathetic about your marriage is the first step in restoring passion. There may be many reasons why a guy no longer cares about being married but usually the root problem is a loss of respect. Perhaps you carry a hurt that has festered over time and now manifests as indifference. Maybe your wife did something that eroded your respect for her or made you resent her, but because you buried it and never confronted the problem it has drained the passion from your heart.

There may be many reasons why a guy no longer cares about being married but usually the root problem is a loss of respect.

Do you see then that the real problem is not her—but you? I’m not trying to send you on a guilt trip, I’m merely attempting to show you that when we allow problems to go unaddressed, it only makes them worse. They say time heals all things, but that’s true only when steps have been taken to properly address the wound. Hurts allowed to fester will bring a stench into any relationship.

It will not be easy, but you must carefully think through exactly what happened to extinguish the fire and then take steps to address the problem with your wife. It could mean simply sitting down with her and being honest. You might begin by confessing your own failure to communicate and asking her forgiveness for harboring resentment. If necessary, seek Christian counseling.

Fuel the Fire

Indifference is not always indicative of a former hurt. Sometimes indifference is the result of neglect. Weeds grow naturally in a flower garden left to itself. It’s the beautiful things that require cultivation and maintenance. Lifelong passion in a marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It requires constant work to keep the weeds out of your marriage.

Lifelong passion in a marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It requires constant work to keep the weeds out of your marriage.

The Bible says, “Where no wood is the fire goes out.” (Proverbs 26:20) Husbands, you’ve got to intentionally and consistently stoke the fire of your marriage. Before I share several ways to do this, remember, this is a choice you make. Leave emotions out of it. Decide that you’re going to love your wife for life with the same passion you had at the beginning of your marriage. Our Lord Jesus said to the church in Ephesus, “I have this aganst you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.” (Revelation 2:4) To correct the problem, he told them to do three things which I suggest is the same path a husband can take to restore his “first love.”

Here’s how you fuel the fire:

1. Remember

“Remember from where you have fallen.” (Revelation 2:5) When I meet with couples for pre-marital counseling the furthest thing from their minds is divorce. Yet the stats indicate that half of all marriages have ended that way. So, I would say to an indifferent husband, “remember your first love.” Recalling your former passion may stir the slumbering coals and ignite a new fire in your heart. Those original feelings can be restored. Memory is precious gift from the Lord and a major tool in our personal sanctification. So, sit down and purposely recall the happy times and believe that God can give you back the passion you lost.

2. Repent

As a husband, you will never “bring back the loving feeling” until you recognize your indifference as sinful. Jesus said to the Ephesian church, “I have this against you.” Anything the Lord has “against you” should be regarded as sinful. He lays the responsibility for declining passion on the church’s doorstep. Likewise, the loss of first love in a marriage is not how God wants you to live, and it’s your responsibility to restore it.

So, how do you see your lack of passion? As your wife’s fault? Something that happens to all couples? Maybe you think of it logistically, merely in terms of schedule and time pressure—you just got busy and life’s changes with work and kids got in the way. It happens, right? Yes, but the responsibility for allowing your relationship to lose its zeal is on your doorstep. Repentance means you come to see the failure to maintain your marital passion as sinful and decide to change.

3. Repeat

Repentance is a change of mind that results in a change of behavior. Jesus said to the church in Ephesus, “do the works you did at first.” (Revelation 2:5) I would say to an indifferent husband who truly desires to restore the passion in his marriage to repeat the things he did at the beginning. I’ll suggest three things that most of us used to do in the early days of our marriages:

Commendation

Dr. Gary Smalley says that one thing women need is sincere, heartfelt praise. Men, make sure you continue to express appreciation for your wife. Being thankful, even for the little things she does for you, will help keep the fire going. Bringing your wife flowers just because, or giving her a card out of the blue, is a great way to express gratitude. She has paid you the greatest compliment by marrying you; be thankful for that. Never stop expressing sincere heartfelt praise for her and to her. (I’m feeling very convicted right now.)

Commemoration

Celebrate the important times and events in your life together. Don’t think of Valentine’s Day as a conspiracy hatched in the offices of Hallmark. View it as opportunity to commemorate your marriage. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and other special events will go far in keeping wood on the fire. Judith and I were married on Friday the 13th and we still enjoy reflecting on that day and how we spent our honeymoon. We also commemorate special events with our children and have come to cherish the memories we’ve built together over the years.

Communion

One of the things Judith and I do to foster marital communion is have a weekly date night. This is usually on Fridays. We like to go out for a bite and then take in a movie together. We both really enjoy this, and it’s something I personally look forward to doing with her. It’s fun discussing the film and comparing notes. We even have our own rating system for every movie we see. At other times, we choose to simply spend a quiet night at home together.

Consider this quality time together as an investment in your marriage. In order to have quality time, you’re going to need to make it a priority. Too often the “tyranny of the urgent” gets in the way of what’s really important. Therefore, enjoying marital communion and spending meaningful time together is something you need to plan and protect.

I truly hope these last three has articles have encouraged you. It is my prayer that you will purposely strive to keep the fire of passion burning in your heart; or if you’ve lost it, to restore it. After all, your marriage is meant to point to the covenant love of Christ. Look to him and how he endured insult, disrespect, isolation, injustice, torture, and even death—all to make you his bride. When that grips your heart, it will motivate you to love your bride in the same way.