Many years ago, when Judith and I were serving in youth ministry, we would often find ourselves impressed with the spiritual maturity of certain teens. I’m talking about young people who exhibited an unusual, though not abnormal, degree of spirituality and who, by their lives, impacted others for the Lord. Being young parents ourselves at the time, we would speak with the parents of these teens to glean what wisdom they could offer us.

I distinctly remember one occasion in particular. There was a young man in our youth group who, far and away, displayed a genuine love for Christ, possessed remarkable athletic skills, was a natural leader, and who commanded the respect of his peers. He was also a joy to work with and was a great encouragement to us as his youth leaders. So, I had to ask his parents, “What do you think you did to turn out such a fine young man?” Their response can be summed up in two great principles of effective parenting.

1. It’s all by God’s grace.

This mom and dad wanted to make it clear, right off the bat, that if their son was anything for the Lord it was all by grace. Instead of beaming like proud parents, they expressed gratitude to God for their son and seemed reluctant to take any credit at all. Their humility was obvious and reflected the single greatest essential in raising godly children: complete dependency on God.

Parenting isn’t easy, and there are no perfect parents. The wisdom, courage, patience, discernment, and love that make for effective parenting are God’s gifts to those who trust him. While parents should not beat themselves up for their children’s failures, neither should they take credit for their successes. Do the best you can, in dependence on God, and trust him for the result. It’s all by grace.

2. It’s expressed in unconditional love.

The young man’s parents did offer one thing they had done that had proved effective in their son’s development: making sure their son would never doubt or question their love for him. What I remember can be broken down to three important ingredients of unconditional love:

Willing investment. This couple was intentional about helping their son develop his talents and interests. He loved athletics, and they supported him through years of team sports with their time, energy and economic backing. He never wondered if they would be at every game. Parenting comes with a high price tag, and these parents gladly footed the bill. Don’t ever complain about the effort or expense it requires to invest in your children or make them feel like it’s a pain to be involved in their lives.

While parents should not beat themselves up for their children’s failures, neither should they take credit for their successes.

Heartfelt communication. Communicating love to our children means two things: sincere words and physical touch. These parents also regularly expressed their love to their son and were not afraid to display their affection with hugs and kisses. Parents need to think of themselves as conduits of God’s love. I remember reading about a child who was afraid of storms and one night as the house shook with thunder he cried out for his dad. “Don’t worry son, the Lord is with you,” his dad called back. The kid responded, “Yes, but right now I need someone with skin on.” Be God’s love “with skin on” to your children by giving those affirming hugs and touches.

Consistent example. I think one other thing, perhaps more than anything else, was evident in this couple and had a profound impact on their son. They consistently lived out their faith. What they were at church, they were at home. The best parents are those who know God as Father and whose life is centered on him. It isn’t those parents who are “kid-centric” that make the best parents, but those who love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your kids but worship only God.

Children experience a wonderful security in knowing they are loved like this. How convinced are your own children? This is especially important during adolescence when distance can so easily come between parents and teens. Close that space by expressing unconditional love and by depending completely on God to help you raise a child that loves him.