Have you ever faced a problem or a conflict and thought, “I can handle this?” Or maybe, “I can’t handle this?” We’ve all been there. Problems and conflicts in life are inevitable and it requires great wisdom to navigate those difficulties. Especially when it comes to raising teenagers. The Bible says, “He that handles a matter wisely shall find good.” Proverbs 16:20 KJV

Wisdom is making the right choices and decisions when confronted with life’s various challenges. The book of Proverbs gives us great direction as to how to handle a matter wisely. Here are a few guidelines to consider the next time you’re required to “handle” a matter with your adolescent.

1. Maintain Emotional Control

This is especially necessary for type A personalities that are prone to react in frustration or anger. Solomon wrote, “A soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) For example, a dad dealing with a problem teen will only make the situation worse by responding in the heat of emotion. “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” (Proverbs 25:28)

Handling a matter wisely requires walking in the Spirit and relying on the Lord for self-control. James instructs us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20)

Maintaining self-control means you deal with others respectfully, patiently, and with compassion, knowing your own proclivities toward wrong-doing. It means you’re willing to listen and communicates your desire to understand and to act in their best interest.

2. Ask the Right Questions

Maintaining emotional control will enable you to ask good, thoughtful questions. Handling a matter wisely requires getting the right information before responding. “Wise people think before they act; fools don’t—and even brag about their foolishness.” (Proverbs 13:16 NLT) Asking the right questions means you’re focused more on the what than the why. For example, don’t begin by saying, “Why in the world would you do that?” You shouldn’t begin by questioning your child’s motives. Make sure you get accurate details of the situation first before offering your response.

3. Respond in Compassion

Having remained calm and gotten all the pertinent information, you are now in a position to respond wisely. In circumstances involving your children it is important to be gracious simply because your heavenly Father is gracious toward you. The Bible says, “Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.” (Colossians 4:6 NLT) You can be firm and tender-hearted at the same time. (see Ephesians 4:32)

Another reason to respond in compassion is that it sets the stage for reconciliation. Projecting resentment and anger in any conflict makes it almost impossible to reconcile. When a father reacts in anger to their child that son or daughter will remember that more than any answer or solution offered. They’ll focus more on your wrong than theirs. Don’t make it harder for them to reconcile.