My mom is 94, lives in an assisted living facility, and has dementia. Since it’s a Christian organization, they do not receive any federal aid and therefore the family is responsible to cover expenses not covered by Social Security. The situation has forced my siblings and me to consider other places that would be less expensive, and in light of these circumstances, evaluate any decision we make in light of what the Bible says about honoring your parents.

The gospel teaches us that we who have received grace are obligated to extend the same to others. That would seem to be especially true when it comes to our parents. Jesus said, “Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 10:8) He also excoriated the scribes and Pharisees for neglecting God’s command to honor their fathers and mothers (see Mark 7:11). So how can we best extend grace to aging parents?

1. Remembering their sacrifice.

We come into the world completely helpless and entirely dependent on our parents’ care, 24-hours-a-day. Only after years of nursing, feeding, protecting and providing for our every need, do they receive anything in return for their sacrifice. Hopefully you can think back on your childhood and remember times when mom and dad put your needs ahead of their own. Though there are no perfect parents, it’s fair to say that you received much more than you contributed.

2. Refusing to react to them.

Due to a loss of cognitive skills, elderly parents can begin to feel threatened. Judy Cornish, a former eldercare lawyer and the former owner of Palouse Dementia Care, which provides in-home dementia care, states: “It’s those losses to the person’s skills that set them up for embarrassment and feeling mistreated and lead them to react by being mean.” It is important to understand this so that we don’t react in kind. Instead, we must choose to act in love even as we, in all of our own failures and sin, are loved by God.

3. Realizing God’s plan.

The Christian worldview sees parents as a strategic part of God’s plan for our lives. We are not the random accidents of a couple’s passion but providentially and uniquely designed by a loving Creator. Your parents were God’s gift to you to help you become the person He wants you to be. The family is God’s tool for human flourishing and the foundation of a stable society.

Even if your parents were neglectful, abusive, or just absent, the Lord can use that pain to lead you to find in Him what was lacking in your home. The psalmist David wrote, “When my father and mother forsake me the Lord will take me up.” (Psalm 27:10)

Most of you reading this will inevitably be faced with the obligation to care for an aging parent. I hope these few thoughts that came to my mind as I contemplated my own situation will help you confront that challenge with grace.