Many somewhat naïve couples who have sat through my pre-marital counseling sessions could never imagine the inevitable pain that marriage would bring into their lives. Humorist Helen Rowland put it plainly, saying, “marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a husband’s egotism are extracted without anesthetic.” Sadly, instead of undergoing the necessary surgery that would heal the relationship, too many opt out and allow the marriage to die.

The pain of marriage is the ongoing operation of God to make us holy. The reason Christ offered himself up in sacrifice was that His bride, the church, would be made holy (see Ephesians 5:26-27). The challenge of every husband is to see his own marriage as a means of sanctification both for himself and for his wife. Christian men who truly love their wives will want to see growth in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Nothing brings a man and a woman into such close proximity as does marriage.

This is no easy challenge and one that takes years of intentional sacrifice. Consider athletes who strive for greatness: they’re not satisfied with simple workouts but put themselves through the most challenging ones because they know what it takes to win. You know what they say, “No pain, no gain.” The same is true in marriage.

Men need to realize that marriage has a way of exposing their sinful selfishness. How we respond to this exposure determines our success or failure as husbands. The reason for this is obvious: nothing brings a man and a woman into such close proximity as does marriage. You may be able to hide some things from your wife, but by-and-large she sees you with intense scrutiny, down to your most idiosyncratic behaviors.

When marriage exposes our selfish attitudes and actions, the question is whether or not we will humble ourselves and acknowledge our sin so that we might grow in sanctification. Marriage can become a quagmire of depravity or a stage where dignity and beauty of Christ is lived out. You choose.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where marriage is no longer a process of sanctification but a means of personal fulfillment where our own emotional, vocational or sexual needs are satisfied. The painful truth is this: every failed marriage is the result of unrepentant sin. Unless we allow the pain of marriage to drive us to repentance, it becomes just a matter of time before the relationship erodes and destroys the glorious covenant entered into by two loving hearts.