One of the more challenging aspects of parenting is navigating the stages of childhood development. It is often difficult to know how much freedom, knowledge, and discipline to give them as they grow older.

Start with concrete rules and choices

Little children require more concrete rules and limited choices. They need to obey simply because they’ve been told and do not need explanation. A five-year-old should go to bed when told without having to understand the need for a good night’s rest. If they want a cookie before dinner, the word “no” should suffice in lieu of a lecture on proper dietary habits. One of the first things little children must learn is the meaning of the word “no” because respect for authority begins at home. A sure way to raise a delinquent is to never say no.

Avoid the “double-bind”

During adolescence children need more freedom in making choices and, hopefully, less discipline as they mature. However, there will always be situations that require mom and dad to say no to their teenagers. It is at this critical stage that the “double-bind” must be avoided. The double-bind happens when parents say “yes” with a “no” attitude.

In the adolescent stage, children (yes, they’re still children) can be extremely passionate about things they want to do and will argue strongly for their case. For example, they may want to attend a function that you, as a parent, are not comfortable with. In fact, you may sometimes experience an intuitive sense that it isn’t in your child’s best interest to participate. At this point, just saying no will not suffice. They need a degree of explanation, even if they disagree with it.

One of the first things little children must learn is the meaning of the word “no” because respect for authority begins at home.

To avoid the hassle and grief of dealing with an angry or sullen child, some parents reluctantly give in and grant permission for that which they disapprove. This is the double-bind. The message subconsciously communicated is, “I don’t want you to go, I don’t think it will be a good for you, but I don’t love you enough to stop you from doing it.” Instead of ingratiating the child, it only erodes his or her respect for you.

A better way is to explain your reasons, draw the line, and leave the rest to God. This is not the time to just say no. This is the time to express love by clearly communicating your authority and responsibility for their protection and well-being. I will even go so far as to say you have to risk being hated by your kids for denying them, but it is a risk worth taking.

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When they’re little, just saying no is fine, but as they mature more explanation is required. The results of indulging kids and capitulating to their every desire is a recipe for disaster. It will not always be easy, but what’s at stake is your child’s character. So, once you decide saying no is in their best interests, express in love, draw the line, and never give in. It will pay rich dividends for them—and you—down the road.