Over the years, I have observed that men who attend a church without making at least one meaningful relationship will eventually disappear. They slip through the cracks, and only after they’ve vanished will people notice and ask, “what happened to what’s his name?”

“What happened” is actually two things: 1) he failed, and 2) the church failed. I hate to say it like that, but it’s usually true. In most cases, the disconnected man made a poor effort to forge relationships, while the other men with connections in the church made a poor effort to draw in the newcomer. So, consider this a plea to both the disconnected and the connected.

The importance of male friendships

Research reveals that men who make close friendships with other men have lower blood pressure, lower body mass, are less likely to be depressed, and live 22 percent longer. However, for psychological and cultural reasons, developing friendships among men is not an easy task. Studies have shown that men’s brains are wired more toward problem solving and action, while women’s brains tend more toward intuition and feelings. That’s not to say that men don’t have feelings. We do, and studies show that suppressing and denying those feelings often leads to irritability, anger, depression, and even physical aggression.

Yet, today’s culture confuses men by portraying the “man’s man” as independent and stoic on the one hand, while on the other hand, depicting men needing women saviors to prop them up and be their emotional crutch. Melanie Hamlett, writing for Bazaar Magazine, said it this way: “Toxic masculinity—and the persistent idea that feelings are a “female thing”—has left a generation of straight men stranded on emotionally-stunted island, unable to forge intimate relationships with other men. It’s women who are paying the price.”

Men without close friendships with other men tend to make their wives their sole resource for affirmation, encouragement and support. While your wife should be a primary source of edification, leaning too much on her for emotional support doesn’t make for a healthy marriage. The notion of “emotional gold diggers” (look it up) has become an ugly reality as more and more men tend to drain their wives emotionally with their moaning, whining, and self-centeredness.

A plea to the disconnected

You’re not off the hook with the Lord simply by saying, “that church wasn’t friendly.” You need to put forth some effort yourself. If you happen to be one of those guys that hasn’t made a connection at church, I encourage you to do three things:

1. Stick around. Most people make up their mind about a church based on the quality of the welcome and condition of the facilities—long before the service is over. Resolve to not make up your mind so quickly and give the church a chance. Don’t bolt for the exit at the final amen, either. Instead, greet someone. Being new may make it uncomfortable, but it isn’t an excuse. After all, if you expect others to make the effort with you, you should hold yourself to that same expectation. The Bible says, “A man who has friends must himself be friendly.” (Proverbs 18:24) More important that having friends is being one.

2. Don’t be anonymous. At my church, I often get sidetracked after services and consequently don’t get to personally greet every single guest. However, we make it easy for you to make your presence known by providing communication cards in the back of each seat, along with a way to subscribe online to our email list. It takes only a moment to fill them out and get connected to a broader range of opportunities for fellowship. (We never share this information externally, by the way.) Doing these simple actions can go a long way to getting connected.

3. Attend an event. A University of Oxford study reveals something that most guys understand intuitively: Men need an activity together to make and keep a bond. Women can maintain friendships over the phone. Dr. Geoffrey Greif says it this way: “male friendships are shoulder-to-shoulder while female relationships are face to face.”

In other words, men tend to connect through shared experiences and make their deepest friendships by doing something together. The men’s ministry at FFC provides regular opportunities to engage in this way. Last Saturday, they held their 2nd Annual Grillmaster competition, which brought 30 guys together to show off their BBQ skills and connect with each other over an incredible feast. They also meet every Saturday morning for a running club, and offer a monthly breakfast (the next one is Saturday, October 3 at 7:30 a.m. if you’re interested). Attending something like this is a great way to meet other men and establish good friendships.

A plea to the connected

I encourage those men who have established solid relationships with other men at church to do two things:

1. Be proactive. First, purposely and proactively seek out the disconnected. It’s great to fellowship with our brothers in Christ, but if we’re not careful we can easily overlook guests. Make it a habit to talk to at least one person you don’t know (or don’t know well) every time you attend a church service or event. And don’t stop there…

2. Offer to connect. Making connections requires more than just meet-and-greets. Share your contact information and follow up the conversation with a text or email. Make it your goal to meet up with a man you’ve met at church in a context outside of church on a regular basis. If you’re in a small group, invite them to your next meeting or the next men’s breakfast. Pray and ask the Lord to direct you to that person who needs a close friend.

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Despite the idea that real men are self-reliant and don’t need friends, the truth is that many men are lonely in a crowd. Standing in the midst of a congregation they yearn for friendship. Men need the affirmation from other men that says, “I feel the same way.” Sharing your joys and sorrows, your fears and anxieties with other men validates our commonality. It may seem awkward at first, but it does get easier. And you just might live longer as a result.